U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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