I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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