I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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