I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
