I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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