do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize