I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
