Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
