I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
