he puts the penis in happiness.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
