nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
