Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
