i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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