I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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