Who wears a wallet chain?!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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