so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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