i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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