Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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