roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
