Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
