Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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