so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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