Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Randomize
