My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
