I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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