Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
