So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
