The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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