Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
