wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
