the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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