No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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