i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
