You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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