I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
