Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
