I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
