He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
