Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
