Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
