I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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