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her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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