How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
