and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
