he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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