He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
