I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
