Yo dont text me then not text me
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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