I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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