Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
