just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
