The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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