i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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