My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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