College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
