She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
