Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize