he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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