I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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