So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
